Lean In
On the iPod “Trying My Best” by: Anson Seabra
I feel like I’ve been trying to find the right words for 5 months but I’ve come to realize that there are no right words and I just can’t keep writing blogs in my head. Maybe there will be peace in seeing the words on paper because the thoughts in my head don’t seem to want to calm down. It’s been 5 months since we decided to pull our kids out of school the Thursday before spring break. We were still under the pipe dream that we would be back to normal in 2 weeks or maybe 3 to be extra cautious.
Here we are 20 weeks later...
I just formally withdrew my almost 4 year old from preschool and although I haven’t formally clicked on virtual for the two bigs... I will before next Thursday. I want to be clear that I have no idea if I’m making the “right” choice or not. I have no idea if virtual school will work for us. But I know that I won’t regret it. Because in truth I can keep them at home. And if I can keep them home well then I should. If those of us who can make it work to go virtual keep them home then maybe our hospitals can have just a little more time to catch up. Maybe researchers will have a bit more time to find medicines that help symptoms. Maybe less people will die or have their quality of life destroyed. Maybe one less family will be a number on a chart.
Some people I know have given me a hard time for choosing virtual asking me if we should stop living our lives for this virus and asking if all I’m waiting for is a vaccine. Well the answers are no... we shouldn’t stop living our lives but maybe we should modify the selfishness of the lives we are living. And as far as the need for a vaccine... knowing how to properly treat the symptoms would be a good start. Adaquate accurate rapid testing would be an added bonus. Teachers, administrators and families getting to make decisions with clear accurate data to help guide them would also be a plus. To be honest, I think we have some big issues in Texas starting with the fact that the school districts are being bullied with threats of not getting state funding if they make decisions regarding when to open the schools for in school learning in a way that is safe for all students and FACULTY! Our school districts deserve the right to protect their employees and to freely say when they believe it is not safe to reopen. I mean its really pretty disgusting to even consider opening the buildings for in school learning if even our teachers are scared to be there especially if the districts are only opening for fear of not getting money to pay their employees. But I digress…
I realized, in these last few months, that the lesson plans might look different but my kids are learning everyday. They might even be learning something that they couldn’t have ever learned in school. When the lockdown first started a good friend of mine unknowingly gave me some of the best advice. That advice is the little voice that plays when the worry and fear start swirling in my head.
“lean in”
that’s the amazing advice. Lean in to blanket shirts from amazon that cost $40 but work as a shirt/pjs and a blanket during at home learning. Lean in to less laundry because they never wear any clothes anyways. Lean in to wayyyyy tooo much screen time cause mommy and daddy have to work. Lean in to 11 pm bed times and having to drag them out of bed at 10 am the next morning. Lean in to running down the street barefoot at 7pm to flag down the ice cream truck in nothing but Superman underwear and a mask because well remember they never wear clothes, haven’t seen their shoes in 100 days and lets be honest ice cream is a yes like every time they ask now. Lean in to zoom happy hours, “Just Dance” workouts, fresh baked bread and cookies almost everyday. Lean in to big messes, fewer rules, and mommy giving herself the punishment of a 42 minute timeout from time to time. Lean in to higher grocery bills, loads of paper plates because I learned real quick that I can’t wash dishes from three meals a day, and lean in to getting excited about scoring Clorox wipes and toilet paper like excited to the point that you might have shed a few tears. Lean in to the absence of perfection.
But I want to be clear... all of the above have been simple “lean ins” compared to the lean ins that I am faced with now. How do I know what to pick? Do I pick in person with the hopes that the building will never really open in September but they will get the teachers at our school that I adore? Do I pick virtual even though I’m well aware that my kids will most likely struggle to learn that way and the plans on how we will phase back to in person school seem confusing and scary and placement back at our school doesn’t seem to be guaranteed? What if I’m making the wrong choice? What if they end up behind? Is it fair to open the schools? Is it safe? What if they become 24/7 gamers and I literally can’t ever get them off the screens? What if?
When I started to write my withdrawal letter to Isaac’s Jewish preschool my decision became clearer and clearer as if the words had to hit the page so that I could grasp them and understand why this is the right choice for us. I am a terrible teacher. I’m not the most patient person. I know that my kids would thrive better academically if they were in school everyday. But I also know in my heart that I am making the best choice for us. To be clear, I know that not everyone can make this choice and there is no judgement for whatever choice you need to make. It’s just that I can make this choice work and I should...so that there is a better chance for those of you who need the in-school care and hopefully less people in school will mean that those that need to send their kids get to go as uninterrupted as possible. I know that many kids need the services that schools provide. And I know that it will be more difficult to get those needs met but I believe in the teachers, counselors, therapists, and administrators. I know that given the opportunity they will make sure that if we all go virtual those services will still be provided. And the truth is that I really feel like no matter what choice we make we will all end up in virtual.
As a young girl, I went to sleep away camp in Bruceville, Texas at Greene Family Camp. When I was there I learned about the Jewish value called “Tikkun Olam” or a responsiblity to repair the world. Its not just a Jewish value but a human value. It’s an aspiration to behave and act constructively and beneficially to our community while respecting and valuing others. I can keep my child at home and do what the health department is asking of us to do which is continue to social distance as much as we can. So It feels selfish to send him and to ask the faculty and administrators to put themselves at risk just because they are making the choice of bringing him available to me. I respect the need to have a place where working parents can take their children so that they can go to work. But I also believe that we might need to get creative in how to make that work. Maybe if we stop trying to fit the in-person school model into a virtual model parents wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. Because I can guarantee that my 9 year old in not going to be able to sit in front of a screen for 7 hours unless that screen is Fortnite. Maybe instead of making in-person school feel like a prison of fear, we set up in-person school more like a pod based virtual school where the parents who have to go into work can drop off their kids to learn virtually in the school building and that no one gets in-person live instruction. It is my deepest hope that we don’t have any outbreaks of Covid in schools this year and that no one else loses their life or any quality of life to this horrible virus. I hope that my fears of teachers and students getting Covid and the stress of what in person school will look like and feel like are all for naught. I pray that I will be able to look back and say that I was worried for nothing. But I can say without a doubt that I will never look back at the choice to keep them home as one I will not be proud of. The bottom line is if this choice only teaches my boys that there is value in patience and value in choosing a hard road that offers protection, empathy and sacrifice to others ... then that will be enough...
Whatever your choice, I hope you can find your peace in it because like tonight’s song says
“I don't know
The perfect road to go down
But I know
I'm trying my best
I'm trying my best to be okay
I'm trying my best but every day it's so hard
And I'm holding my breath
I'm holding my breath 'til I can say
All of the words I wanna say from my heart”
Know that we are all holding our breath and we are all trying our best to be okay and that either way we are all struggling to make the right choice in a sea of so many choices that feel wrong.
Stay safe out there,
Amanda
