Why Being Selfish was the best gift I’ve ever given myself…
On the iPod “Like a Girl” by: Lizzo
I feel like I’ve been writing this post for the last two months...but well here it is.
From the time I turned 10, I have made the same birthday wish while blowing out the candles. I mean to be honest there might have been a couple of years I wished for something more trivial but for the most part the wish has been the same... “Please G-d, let me be skinnier by my next birthday.”
I know, I know I should be wishing for world peace or something way better but hey this is my truth.
Today I turned 41...
About 6 months ago, I was looking for answers to some hard questions... who was I? Was I living my best life? Was I happy? Did I want another baby? What would it take to make me happy? Why was I so afraid to pick myself and what did I fear would happen if I did? The answers I had were complicated. And to be totally honest I didn’t have most of them. I made a choice to be kind of selfish and choose me for a bit. I needed to search for some answers and just try it and see what happened. I mean to be fair to myself I wasn’t really being selfish, I was and am choosing to believe that I am worth it. I am asking for other to step up and help me. I have spent a small fortune on a team of babysitters so that I can take care of myself without the guilt of asking my mom to step in when she already helps so much. I have asked my kids and my husband to give up time with me so that I can be a better me. And it isn’t easy....For example a couple of weeks ago as I was leaving for a 7pm dance class I was met by two hysterical children hanging off my legs and blocking the door and one irritated husband giving me a serious eye roll, but I let him peel the children off of me and I said “I’m sorry” and I went to class. It sucked and I had it on my mind the whole time and I worried if I was screwing them up by missing bedtime or possibly screwing up my marriage but I went. I think it’s honestly one of the most difficult parts about being a working mom. I work in people’s homes and I can’t really take a lunch break at the local gym. I live with this immense guilt of taking any time for myself after work because I feel like I have to be gone so much how can I ask to have more “me time.” But that’s the funny thing.... work is not “me time”, making dinner .... not “me time”... driving to 84 different sports practices... not “me time”, even the million and one things I do after the kids go to bed... not “me time” I’m actually not sure that moms can ever really have “me time” because even in our “me time” we are thinking about the projects due, the sign up dates, the dress up days, the drs appointment, the grocery lists... etc. But for the last 6 months I have done something for myself at least 5 days a week and sometimes all 7...even when it was inconvenient. I have gone to early am classes, night classes and daytime classes. I have gone to girls dinners and mom happy hours. I have worked out in a gym, in a pool, on a jogging trail and in a dance studio. I have been to Hip Hop Heels, Barre, POUND, Zumba, Cardio Dance Jam, Pole dancing, Zumba STRONG, Barre Booty, Kickboxing, Bellydancing, Trap Step, Fenton’s Hip Hop Classes, I even finally got back to Nia last week 🙌🏻and guess what I’m not done. I have gone by myself and with friends. And I have traveled WAY OUTSIDE of my comfort zone... body, mind and spirit! I have survived every class (sometimes barely) and in return I have lost the weight of Levi, like an entire Levi off my body and I haven’t followed any crazy diet plan or starved myself or cut out every carb or every drink and I haven’t done anything medically or surgically either. But I have worked my tush off and I have really tried to focus on working through my mental game and I have done a lot of soul searching as well. I have found that working out at night really works for my body and working out in the morning just doesn’t. I have learned to be really flexible. If a class I love starts to be an issue as far as kid coverage I find another class. That doesn’t mean I can’t ever go back to it and I will when I can. And the instructors I take classes with have to be understanding of that because well I’m married and I have 3 kids and it’s not personal...it’s life.
For the first time in probably the last 25 years...I feel content. I feel like most of my boxes have been checked so to say. I have the career, the husband, the kids, and the close family. I also have really meaningful
and supportive friendships... some that I see and talk to daily and others who I might not get to see everyday but who shape me constantly and when I do get to see them in real life, we just fit back together like no time has passed.
I feel STRONG and really GOOD and for the most part I’m getting pretty damn comfortable in my own skin. I am FAAAAARRRRR from perfect...My marriage is a series of numerous compromises, my kids need more discipline and structure in general, I need to become one with purging things and possibly sell my soul for a full time housekeeper, I cuss like a sailor (I even fixed my iPhone to stop changing my word to duck and ducking all of the time) I probably have way too much fun for a 41 year old mom of 3 and I could stand to lose hella more weight, but not too much because well you gotta have some meat on your bones to push out the wrinkles...Bahaha 😉But I’m here...I’m choosing me and I’m showing up. And really by choosing me...I’m choosing them. They might not be able to do every sport or attend every birthday party...I might not be the one tucking them in every night, but I might get to be here for more of their years and that’s pretty worth it.
I have a lot more to write about soon like how I ended up with my skirt around my ankles in the boarding line for our summer family cruise and how I finally found the answer to my husband’s burning question of “Do you think you will ever get that “I’m done having babies” feeling?”
But for now....moms... I challenge you to choose you. While you’re signing up your kids for every extra curricular activity make sure you sign yourself up for something too because the fact of the matter is that your kids, husband, boyfriend, brothers, sisters, parents, friends, and even your bosses wont know that your worth that time until you show them that you are. They might cry, roll their eyes, give you a guilt trip and even block the door but maybe missing you a little bit will help them know how worth it you are.
As far as me well for now I’m just going to blow out these candles and make my wish!
Love,
Me
