Black and Blue
On the iPod, "Black and Blue" by: Ingrid Michaelson
Lately, Ive been in a place I like to try to stay out of. It's a place where everything is 100% harder than it has to be. Maybe it's the moon or the fact that Mercury is about to be in retrograde. Or possibly it's the tornados that hit Dallas and the destruction stuck in my view. Maybe it's that time is passing so quickly and I feel like I don't have a grip on it, but here I am in a funk...in my head...where anxiety rules. The normal me would feel it but not really discuss it but at 3AM this morning I realized that maybe if I wrote about it, some other strong person out there would read it and realize that maybe our biggest weakness is actually our strength.
By all accounts, I would identify as a strong one or rather I’m the one passing out life jackets while my own boat is sinking. I’m not sure if that makes me strong... or a good friend.... or a Masochist... or possibly an idiot... but hey it’s just me. I’m very aware of this part of me (due to 35 years in therapy) but I still struggle with it today and if you think it’s not a struggle then you are extremely naive. I struggle with asking for help, accepting help, admitting I need help, oh and then the anxiety of not being needed to help someone else because that's a thing too... because somehow if your needed then you are worth it or good enough or valued. It's funny how the brain works. Anyways, Last Friday as I rushed out of the car to school pickup I guess I had it written all over my face that I was in the funk because a friend of mine looked over and said, "Hey are you okay?" To which I responded in a slightly sarcastic tone, "oh yeah...living the dream..." We both smiled and then kids came rushing towards us and we jumped into cars and went on our way. About 30 minutes later I got a text... "Hey, are you really ok?" In that moment I struggled with how to respond... do I say "Actually...No, I'm not ok." And if I said that do I even know what my expectations are for her response and could she handle those expectations? So instead I gave a vague response, "just dealing with someone else's bullshit that I have made my bullshit." Her response was, "Wipe that mess off. You are great. Hope this fades for you quickly." Followed be a Meme that says "Don't wait till your deathbed to tell people how you feel. Tell them to fuck off now." It was kind of an amazing response considering all the walls that I had thrown up with mine. See the problem with me is that if I'm in the rabbit hole I both don't want to be a burden to you but at the same time want to be someone's burden. I mean I'm well aware that in some sense that's everyone's problem. No one wants to have to say I am drowning... you want to be thought about and cared for even when you aren't drowning because well aren't we all just a hot minute away from drowning?!? The truth is that my people can't be my people unless I allow them to be my people. They can't read my mind...they can't always see through my facade. And real friendship should be a safe. Or a safe enough place where you can let your walls crack a bit. And yes my people have a responsibility too...to see the cracks in my wall, because if you care about someone and love them then sometimes you have to throw a life vest at them even if they might not need it.
This post is a vulnerable one for me because well it admits that I have cracks... deep ones. Ones that might be a burden to you if you are my people and well that's not necessarily fun. I guess I learned a big lesson this weekend...sometimes it's ok to be someone else's burden. Sometimes you don't need someone to fix your wall...you just need them to hold it up for a minute while you catch your breath. Check on yourselves, check on your people, the strong ones, the weaker ones, the loud ones and even the quiet ones.
Love, me
