The Price of Vulnerability

On the iPod, “Scars to your Beautiful” by: Alessia Cara

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/scars-to-your-beautiful/1050275063?i=1050275078

So I’ve gotten a lot of questions lately about what I’m doing... part of me wishes that I could give you an easy answer of well I’m counting points or not ever eating a single carb, but the truth is that that’s not what I’m doing. For starters...I have an emotional attachment to food. If I have a headache it means I need a coke. Bad day= rigatoni with vodka sauce. Give me an ailment and I can give you a cure... well not a true cure but a fix for a moment. I’m trying to focus on the meaning behind the food. I’m absolutely and in no way denying myself anything because well that doesn’t work for me. I learned a long time ago that if you really want to motivate me, just tell me I can’t do or have something... I’ll show you real quickly that I can. So instead of fighting it...I’m using it.  I have lost a considerable amount of weight in the last three months. I haven’t had some miracle surgery or even been on some diet or supplement. But instead what I have been doing is trying to unfuck myself. Let’s call it the diet of vulnerability. It’s funny what being vulnerable will do for you. Real quickly it will open your eyes to your supporters. It will allow you to become comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. I’ve gone to about 15 different kinds of workout classes... I’ve drummed my heart out, I’ve kicked stuff, I’ve cardio hip hopped, I’ve run backwards on a treadmill, I’ve danced the merengue, I’ve lifted, I’ve crunched, I’ve burpeed (never again) and I’ve danced around a pole, on a chair, and in heels to music with lyrics that will bring you to your knees. I sort of crave feeling vulnerable and I tend to return to the classes that make me feel the rawest. 

What I’ve learned is that whether you are starving yourself to feel skinny or feeding yourself to feel full... we all seem to be on this weird path to feel less vulnerable, when at the end of the day our vulnerability is the one constant that makes us real and relatable and not surrounded by cocky fucking bastards. Because honestly those are the only ones who will use your vulnerability against you. So I think you have to continue to ask yourself what is it that you want... when will the eggshells that your walking on break and what lies beneath them? Maybe you are scared your life will change, maybe you are scared of the work, maybe the fear doesn’t lie in the journey but in the ending of the journey. Whatever it is and believe me deep down you know...your cycle will never truly change until you untie a couple of the threads... you might fall a little... you might worry that no one will catch you... or you might just catch yourself. 

As always I’d love to hear from you... there is nothing that makes me feel as vulnerable as I do when I know that people are reading my thoughts and that it somehow resonates with you. 😉

Love, Me